Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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