my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
