I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
