i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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