Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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