Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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