Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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