So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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