You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
