She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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