turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize