my phone needs a breathalizer
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
