The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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