I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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