Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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