i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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