I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
