My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
