i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
