I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize