please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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