i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
