I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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