Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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