I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
