the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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