he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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