So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
