Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
