in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
