I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
