If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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