Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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