I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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