Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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