I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
