I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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