it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
