That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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