god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize