I feel like I'm in dance class right now
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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