its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
