you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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