some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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