Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
