I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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