Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
