honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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