Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
