You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
