I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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