I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
