Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
