I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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